Childhood Trauma & Relationships
We've all had that moment where we've wondered, "Why am I attracted to these toxic relationships or people?" We like to assume that it's mere coincidence or that the person had just put up a really good front. Both of those may be true, but usually, there is something deeper at play behind the scenes… and that thing is childhood trauma. Most of us have experienced childhood trauma in one form or another. As small babies, we look to and are dependent on our caretakers, whom we form a deep love for.
In my personal experience, I lost my parents to the prison system, which created a severe abandonment issue that I would later recreate in my relationships. Once my parents came home in my early teen years, it was a bitter and hostile environment between my mom and dad. They would constantly fight, and my mom would often blame my dad for everything that had happened and what they had lost. My mom took on a victim role, and my dad took a defensive role. As a young, unaware teenager, I subconsciously absorbed this dynamic as “love,” and over time, my nervous system was programmed to believe this is what safety and “normal” felt like. Love was now defined as intense, confrontational, and filled with pain and resentment.
When it was time to have my first relationship, I had no idea that I would be unconsciously seeking out my parents' relationship… it was the only thing I knew as love. You see, our parents or caretakers are the people we learn from in the formative years and adopt much of who we are. It isn't until adulthood or sometimes never that we develop the awareness to step into our own identities and shed the outdated systems of our parents.
So, as I stepped into my first relationship, it was intoxicating. It triggered my abandonment wound in the sense that I became codependent, as I never wanted to “lose” anyone I loved ever again. As a wounded young woman who hadn’t done any work on my own trauma, it was inevitable that I attract a young man that was a mirror reflection of where I was at in my life. He too came with his own set of baggage and issues that he too was unaware of. This was a recipe for a chaotic whirlwind 5-year relationship.
Due to both of our traumas, we kept recreating painful experiences with one another and retraumatizing each other. We were madly in love but would constantly fight, both taking turns playing the victim and the defender. Sounds familiar, right? Yes, our relationship became not only like my parents' but very similar to his parents in other ways as well. Neither of us had the tools or the strength to recover from all the damage done in the relationship, so eventually, the relationship came to a nasty end that devastated both of us deeply.
It wouldn't be until a few years later, after hitting rock bottom, that I would discover alternative healing and learn about trauma. I am forever grateful for that relationship as it became one of my greatest teachers. I am not the only person with a story like this. Most, if not all of us, can relate.
When we have had a certain reoccurring experience as children, our nervous system starts to identify that specific experience as safe or normal, even if it doesn’t rationally make sense. When we go through life unaware of this, we will unintentionally keep recreating these experiences because our gut tells us it feels good. This also means that when we are around healthy experiences or people that are good for us, we actually begin to feel triggered or go into fight or flight. That’s why “nice guys feel boring” or why we “like bad boys.”
So how do we fix this? It begins with self-awareness and being able to identify where it all started. Hint… it usually always goes back to childhood. Once we can become aware of where it's stemming from, we can begin to select approaches that work best for us. Let me tell you there are thousands of approaches to healing or processing and unwinding trauma. I did it all: therapy, plant medicine, meditation, breathwork, Tantra, coaching, etc. Hey, it's part of the reason it inspired me to become a coach and help others. It really comes down to what feels good for you. My best advice is just stay consistent and be patient. It takes time, but you can reach the other side. I got to the other side myself… does that mean I pick perfect people all the time? No, because there is no such thing. But have I been able to attract healthier partners and relationships in my life? FUCK YEAH!
The beautiful thing is it's not just me; we all have the abilities to make the change and attract the relationships we desire. So my advice is this: take a leap and have the courage to move through the uncomfortable, and you'll watch your relationships transform like you might never have thought possible!
With Love, Cheyenne
Soulful Tantrika
